Funny but it's true

IT’S FUNNY BUT TRUE

Teachers & GCSE papers

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination 
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

 
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

 Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.
 
Q. What are steroids 
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)

Q  What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination
A.. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow. 

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.
 The     brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal              cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U.. 

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control 
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome .

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q.What is a terminal illness 
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight. (brilliant) 

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.

  

Newspapers Clippings 

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large
gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said 'We agree it was
rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been
charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his
house.'
(The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole
salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because
she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van,
because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch
vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

At the height of the gale, the harbour-master radioed a coast guard
and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry,
but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind
had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)


Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the
audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who
was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end
of 1945, she recalled -'He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out
'Heil Hitler.''

 (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

  

London Underground Announcements.

  Factual announcements that London Tube train drivers have
made to their passengers...

1)    'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your
service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course,
you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want
to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.'


2) 'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller
suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his
backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm   
given any.'

3) 'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news
is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a   
great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere
between Mile End and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach
our destination.'

4) 'Ladies and gentlemen,we apologize for the delay,but there is
a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck   
here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and
pass some time together.All together now.... 'Ten green bottles,
hanging on a wall.....'.'

5) 'We are now travelling through Baker Street. As you can see,
Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had   
actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think
about things like that'.
6) 'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage
these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please
give it to a registered charity. Failing that,give it to me.'

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the   
driver announced in a West Indian drawl: 'Step right this way for the
sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not
provided.'

8)    'Let the passengers off the train FIRST!' (Pause ) 'Oh go on
then, stuff   yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going
home....'

9)    'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with
'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate
instructions.'

10)    'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means
that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself
or your bags into the doors.'

11) 'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in
the door.'

12) 'To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on
the second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors'
don't you understand?'

13)    'Please move all baggage away from the doors.' (Pause..)
'Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.' (Pause...) 'This
is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses
at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, four-eyes, and move
your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there
and shove them up your arse sideways!'

 
14)    'May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking
allowed on any part of the Underground. However,if you are smoking
a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the
carriage.'

 

 

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